one clock, a wheel (only one wheel- out of the four.) carrying a carriage—our carriage. we are off on our honeymoon ❤️ the sun is nearly lime green, because we are late to the event. or maybe it is his cologne, this man, that is making me feel so dizzy. i hardly know his name, but we both want everything, and more than what we've got. my father asks me: "What are Sapphire Angels?" and I tell him that I myself don't know, despite me giving them their name. many things exist behind a big big big big big veil and I cannot access any of it. springtide comes easily, between valentine's day and easter, my two favorite holidays. I'm not sure what gramma is doing today, I'll call her in the morning—time is a beautiful carousel at the county fair. your little cousin has rode it three times today, going for a fourth. brite gnawing lights spin and yelp over and over and it seems like it might be spinning much faster than the last time. My father asks me what all of this means, and I tell him that I'm not sure, despite writing it myself. I am trying to pull from a brand new place, a little house in Sarmier, it is light pink with white, yellow and purple flowers out front.
in all honesty, i remember the interaction very vividly. the fluttering of the butterfly, and the shimmering of the hummingbird back home in Gary. lately i feel that i am not belonging anywhere, not even where i am now. in my dream i saw many sparkling pieces of cheap, carnival plastic toys buried under the mulch on my pre-school playground. i remember feeling happy in the dream. feeling like i was famous there. like the whole world knew who i am. i collected all of these strange little pieces of plastic and they shimmered and jumped in my hand. it felt like magic. i did not know what to make of any of it. i think that this dream stems from a video that i saw of a girl reading a story that was similar. anyway, i wandered about my pre-school for a long time. it was empty, except for a teacher or two. and it felt never-ending- the halls and the corners felt so big. i went in and out of the rooms, and found more pieces of shining, colorful plastic. it smelled like rain and mulch and the disinfectant that they used there. i woke up, had a swig of water and went back to sleep. in the next dream, i was on a blue and purple beach. the sun was shining like a lunar eclipse(?), dark and brooding. i remember it being dark, but light at the same time. i enjoyed that type of lighting so much. i never wanted to leave. the water was so warm, and comfortable. but if i got out, and walked along the beach for a while before going to the water again, it felt like ice on my skin, burning me for a moment before settling. it was perfect. i wondered if i had reached a state of perfection, there. i wasn't there long, in the physical world. it had only been an hour before i woke up. i saw a scary figure in my room, it was a shadow. it looked like it was a head, peeking at me over the side of my bed.with no eyes. anyhow, in the third dream of the night, i was in a void. a dark dark void. i find myself here often. you could not imagine the darkness within this void. it is so dark, that the only other person there, some strange man that i've never met, emits a darkness that appears as light. in this dream, i walk up to the man and reach out to see if he is real, and he runs away, and i chase after him, and he runs and runs and disappears up out of view ahead, and i am trapped in this void by myself, in this darkness. so dark that my eyes hurt. i trip and fall and claw around, it is so scary. grosgrain ribbon, carriage boots wheat weaving, cardinal snow nothing in particular, you offer me a glass of orange juice, i am walking to the window, the window is on fire. it burns and burns.
the hummingbird & the butterfly is something that brings me hope. two things that make me particularly happy, interacting because they are both so tiny and happy and lovely, together. despite all odds, they find each other over again. even when the hummingbird and butterfly go separate ways, they meet at the center again. it is a good thing. to me, it symbolizes hope......and life............. despite hope separating from life at times, life & hope are in love with each other and find each other again. it is the same forever. a large spinning wheel, which lately the word wheel reminds me of the lyric from pulldrone (ethel cain) "the stars are as beams shining through the wheel" i just love that. i've got no clue what it means. but it's a beautiful sentence. i say it to myself often. pulldrone can be recited like affirmations if you really want. today it rained a lot, and i did not do hardly any school work. which is Not good. but i am feeling........and telling........myself that it will get done sooner or later. i pray for sooner. i have been praying like a lunatic lately. it is bizarre because i've thrown myself from religion a decent while ago, but Jesus is not as horrifying as God itself. and i don't know anything about God. who does, though? does anybody know anything about God? i think it is there, but in a different way. sotce said in a youtube video that God is like the server hosting the website. that makes perfect sense, to me. God is.........unexplainable. i too, want to be unexplainable. but in a very different way. because for me, i would like to Stop explaining myself. whereas God has always been unknown to us, and i think that it always will be. i think it works best that way. Jesus is closer to....my comprehension. and so lately, when i think to, i pray to Jesus. for happiness. for peace. for guidance to do the right things. i am happy to be here, on this simple website. no interruptions or struggles. just a space. in my head, nobody will see this. and so it is a void, and i can say anything. that isn't true. that will come around and stab me later. but for now, i am choosing to believe it. if you hear me, or see me, ignore me. please. i am having so much fun here, really. you've no idea.
i asked misty why bad things keep happening to me, in relation to the people that i am close to. i asked her why my feelings keep getting hurt, and if i am the problem. i am always saying that- i am a bad person, i am not good. but it is how i feel. it is how i feel. i am always afraid that i'm not good, because if i was good- why do people not seem to talk to me? what is it in particular that is so repulsive about me, that nobody else has? i love everyone so much. so so so so so much. you could not imagine the amount of love that i feel. when people are kind to me, i often cry because i am grateful for them, and their kindness. and their existence. is that too much? am i wrong for being sentimental? is it the same old story- that i am too much of something and not enough of some other thing. i think it is because i am awfully dramatic. not intentionally. it is never intentional. it is how i feel. it is how i feel........!!!!!!!! i am struggling with shame. a lot of it. it is making me unhappy all of the time. and that is another thing. i do not mean to be pessimistic, or sad, or draining, or irritating. i do not want to tell anybody anything any more. because i am always feeling- feeling- feeling!!!!! that i am draining, or unwelcome. and this is not a statement. this is not me yelling: "this is what is happening! really! this is exactly what is happening!" this is me feeling........ a big difference between the two, if you ask me. i say that- that i don't want to tell anybody anything anymore. and then i trust again, and the cycle repeats. i am like a tornado. spinning around and around and it seems that i am destroying things. i am not meaning to. i am not trying to be repulsive, or bad. i do not want to be bad. i am, though. that is how i feel. that is how i feel. that is how i!!!! feel!!!!! that is how i feel. do you understand? all of this has come about because of the smallest thing. a beautiful, lovely, adorable friend of mine has recently stopped replying to me. and it has sent me into an embarrassing frenzy. a frenzy that i did not choose to enter, and one that i can not control in any way. it is not me, if it were up to me i would be relaxed. but it leads me repeatedly to wonder what it is that i did, or if it has anything to do with me at all? but if it does not, why am i on the line for it? i think i am losing my mind. these days, i don't feel good or welcome or happy anywhere. because i say too many words all at once and it is obnoxious and my voice is grating and to be around me is to be tired. i hope to circle back to this, and feel differently. that is my hope, and my prayer. back to misty- she told me that maybe because they are bad people. and i said that everyone can't be bad, it wouldn't make sense that i am good and everyone else is bad. i don't think hardly any common person is bad. there are bad people, but evil people are a rarity. anyhow, after that, misty said that maybe good people do bad things. is it bad? it made me wonder about the definition of bad, and good, in my mind. i think that bad is...bigger than it should be. if you understand. these things, and people, are simple. it is not evil, nor is it life-threatening. it is only emotionally stretching, and distressing. for me, at least. not many others seem to experience emotions in the way that i do. in the way that is a burden to many. anyway, none of that is important. what is important is misty. someone ignoring me hurts my feelings, it is simple. but they are not a bad person. they are a person, everyone is. i don't know how to say what i am trying to say, i cannot communicate this to you. it is hard. it has always been hard, and it always will be. the things that are hurting my feelings are so small that they are nonexistent in the scale of the tiny world that we live in, and the tiny existence that we are. i still cannot communicate this. not in the way that i want. i am saying that the things that people do- that hurt my feelings- are not big enough to create the word bad, in their cauldron. does that make sense? it is not serious enough to say they are bad. it can be, only in the comfort of my bedroom, where nobody can see or hear me. then, and only then, in that tiny window, can i say that something was bad. being ignored, is not good. but it isn't bad enough (in the context that it is happening to me) to be called bad- or evil, either. i have been thinking of this relatively often, the past few weeks. i have been feeling lonely, and it is all toppling up into a big monster. like it did last summer, and the monster made me meaner than i really am. i am carrying the shame and guilt even now. let me repeat my hope & prayer: i hope and pray, dear angels, that i can look back on this entry, and feel differently. and have a lighter perspective, and have learned something.
my constant lonely feeling makes me so eager and fast to respond when someone does talk to me, i spill out everything i've been walking around with in my head, and i think that it overwhelms- or irritates the person i'm speaking to. if i could hard stop this behavior i would, but i'm not sure how to unlearn a thing like that. i am overall a bit down in the dumps today. i felt so sick knowing that my good friend is gone, and i do not even know why. i am not going to ask- if she isn't willing to reply to any other message, would good would that do? i won't be angry. i promised myself that i would be less hateful- less irritable, but if i do end up angry........i promised that i'd keep it to myself rather than telling my close circle, because if someone leaves the circle (as my good friend is now) my thoughts are just being severed from my view, and that is a jarring thought, to me. anyhow, i won't be angry. no, i'll try my hardest to be understanding, and not be hateful. i can be angry without being hateful. i am trying to be a good person. i want to be good, i want to be good, i want to be good, i want to be good, i will be good- one day. hopefully one day soon. this blogger website is very simple and helpful for placing my thoughts....and piecing them together in a way that feels better than the messy way that i text others. i am always so excited to receive a message. that is all, for today i think. i may update before bed. if any other thoughts come to me. you'll know.
my loneliness has become a large, large monster. i am always fighting it. but it makes me want to run away, run so far that i run into oblivion and i cease to exist at all. not in the sense that i want to die, or anything. it isn't like that. i would just enjoy it if i could disappear, all evidence of my existence........goes away. i look for unicorns, and rainbows and angels and four leaf clovers. and gold in the wild. and glitter. those things make me enjoy life. i have always wanted to disappear, or go missing. i think i want people to wonder about me, and think of me when i'm not around. but my loneliness and shame are two monsters that are always hanging heavy in my room. i wish that they would leave me be—but that isn't in their nature. i've known them for a long time. this is only how i feel. it is not as if i am being abused by people. it is only how i feel. feelings and reality are two enemies, sometimes. wow! i can highlight things in any color i fancy. how sweet is that. that is so cute. that's made my night. i look for unicorns, rainbows, four leaf clovers, angels & golden coins, if i am lucky, i may see glitter in nature.
i delete social media so often. and i feel terrible. i feel terrible terrible terrible. when i closed my window i could smell the cold air and it smelled so good. though i don't like cold weather. i am feeling so lonely.
today i am not sure what i'll do, but i slept so much. i am feeling well rested, i think my mommy is at work. she went in early today. i create imaginary albums, and i have song titles & i can imagine the meaning behind them and the sound. like Tiger//Hunter is about the most awful nightmare that i had the other night, i was naked in a strange exotic place, running around searching for clothes, food, water, shelter. and as i was running all around the grass, the sky was changing colors, like a pinwheel. I had the feeling that you get when you know someone is perving on you but you aren't fully sure, but you can feel it. that terrible, disgusting, mortifying feeling. I wondered who was watching me, where they were. It was a tiger--a sexual predator manifested through the form of a giant, corn syrup bloodied tiger. I have always had dreams in which tigers or big cats represent danger, i suppose because they are wild and can be violent when non-trusting. anyhow, i remember running from the tiger over and over and i reached a house, i ran into the bedroom and all of the furniture was tall and high. so i climbed up on the bed and jumped from the bed, to the nightstand, to the dresser, to the desk, to the tv-stand, and back around. i kept doing this as the tiger circled the floor below, waiting for me to fall or something. I woke up and I had already been crying in my sleep, i was drenched in sweat, and the moment i realized i was awake--i burst into hysteric crying. because i was just so terrified of that nightmare. I'd like to turn that emotion, that feeling into a song. I'm not sure how yet, though. i love most animals, and i don't hate tigers at all. i am just very afraid of them, though i think they're beautiful. i am writing again, and thinking artistically, and also--considering leaving social media again. but it is terribly inconvenient, i don't know that i will. (update 3.17.26 2:19PM): i would also enjoy having more CDs, or learning to burn them myself. I would have so so many. I would also like to buy a camcorder of some sort.
Je ne me justifierai jamais auprès de toi. Toute la gloire revient à Dieu. Je fais tout ce que je veux ; je m'en fiche. J'ai très peur, mais je le fais quand même.